Here we are: the football fan’s quadrennial Christmas Eve. One more sleep and the greatest show on Earth will be upon us. The build-up seems a little flat given the prestige of the opening game, but that’s not to say Russia and Saudi Arabia can’t serve up a twelve-goal thriller – fingers crossed.
Of course, the fact Russia are even in the opening game – as tournament hosts – still carries a lingering feeling of injustice since it was awarded the event back in 2010.
England put together what had looked to be one of the strongest bids and yet was knocked out in the first round of voting, with Russia beating a joint bid between Portugal and Spain amidst widespread allegations of bribery and the buying of votes, as was the 2022 bid from Qatar which was peculiarly announced at the same time.
Part of me still believes that maybe it should be us preparing to welcome the world tomorrow. But what if it was? How would everything have panned out if football was to come home again? Here’s how it *might* have gone down…
2nd December 2010: England are awarded the rights to host the 21st edition of the World Cup finals. David Beckham fulfils a secret pledge to run naked around the streets of London. The country celebrates. Everyone is happy. Life is good.
19th October 2011: England announce the host cities for the tournament. London boasts three venues including the yet-unclaimed London Olympic Stadium, despite Tottenham Hotspur’s desire for youngster Harry Kane’s request to claim it himself. Everyone is confused as the context would only surface years later, and Spurs are accordingly told to “do one”.
12th August 2012: The London Olympic Games are a huge success, with Mayor of London Boris Johnson outlining his great pride for the country, with rugby and football World Cups to follow in the coming years. He falls into hot water, however, when going off on a tangent about the successful Qatari bid – and letting slip that Prince William once called former AFC president Mohamed Bin Hammam “a f***ing tosser”, leading to strained relations between the two nations. Wills keeps his job as FA President but gets a stern telling-off from Kate. Some Conservative MPs ponder a future for Johnson in foreign relations following the furore.
30th May 2014: England offer Russia a friendly at Wembley to show there are no hard feelings over the vote but the event is overshadowed twofold, when the band playing the pre-match national anthem were inadvertently lined in a formation that seemed to spell out 'PISS OFF PUTIN', which didn’t go down too well – but was quickly forgotten when Southampton’s Rickie Lambert scored all seven goals in a 6-1 victory – his own-goal a bullet header from the edge of his own box. The country goes delirious as we head to Brazil in fine spirits.
24th June 2014: England head out of the World Cup in the group stages. Raheem Sterling scores a goal in the opening game, but is instantly disallowed for defying the common laws of physics. Replays prove to be inconclusive. The Daily Mail shoot themselves in the foot by suggesting it “wouldn’t have been a proper England goal, anyway”, citing Sterling’s Jamaican roots. The nation goes up in arms and under intense pressure, the publication folds. England rejoices.
23rd June 2016: Following the discontinuation of The Daily Mail, other papers clock that general scaremongering, racial stereotyping and xenophobic rhetoric is like, bad - and may tarnish their reputations – leading to the Brexit campaign being overwhelmingly rejected. Everyone is in love with the United Kingdom and Nigel Farage escapes to Belgium on the back of a truck.
22nd July 2016: Big names are overlooked as England plump for Gareth Southgate to take over from Roy Hodgson, following an awful European Championships campaign. Sam Allardyce was reportedly offered the role but didn’t pick up the phone in time after getting stuck in a deckchair on holiday. He would stay at Sunderland, and take them into the Champions League in his first full season.
7th May 2018: Baddiel and Skinner’s re-re-release of ‘Three Lions’ is met with a mixed reception as World Cup fever hits. Many fans adore the latest rendition 22 years after the original, but controversy ensues when the making of a brand-new music video is marred by one of three actual lions eating an extra, whole. The victim’s father claims that his son was England through and through and it was “what he would have wanted”.
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| The lions showed little remorse following the attack |
14th June 2018: The World Cup kicks off as England stumble to a 1-0 victory over Saudi Arabia in a full-house at Wembley. Not many people see the goal as it is scored in the 46th minute as Club Wembley spectators finish off their half-time champers, while ITV’s broadcast is cut off at the critical moment, instead cutting to an advertisement for comparethemeerkat.com. Russian conspiracies are rife.
19th June 2018: Mohamed Salah can’t recreate his Liverpool form for Egypt but England fall 2-1 to a Mohamed Elneny brace at Old Trafford. Dele Alli is booked for diving in the second half and pushes the referee over. Harry Kane is sent off when he accidentally spat in the referee’s face when sticking up for his teammate. Rumours of Russian meddling intensify further.
25th June 2018: England celebrate a performance for the ages with a 4-1 victory over Uruguay – prompting parallels with the victory over The Netherlands in ’96. Luis Suarez misses a penalty and proceeds to take his fury out on the Anfield pitch, completely consuming the area where the penalty spot once laid.
30th June 2018: England get a lucky break as surprise package Morocco knock out Portugal in the group stages, where they are no match for the returning Harry Kane as he fires in a hat-trick at the London Stadium. Dele Alli is still missing after an independent panel ban him from football for two months, without realising that there is barely any other football during the duration of the ban.
6th July 2018: France out-play England for 89 minutes until Danny Welbeck side-foots a late winner into an empty net to send England to the semis. He was meant to head it in, but somehow adjusts his body appropriately in the ensuing tangle to win the game. Manager Gareth Southgate describes the finish as “absolutely world-class”.
10th July 2018: England v Brazil. Neymar gives Brazil an early lead before Welbeck continues his fine goalscoring form, heading in when Filipe Luis clears a corner off his head into the top corner. In the second half, Jordan Henderson is about to float a free-kick into the box when captain Harry Kane demands he takes over, accidentally lobbing one in over the unsuspecting Alisson when he was clearly aiming for Gary Cahill. Kane insists on his daughter’s life that he meant it. England come of age. Destiny awaits.
15th July 2018: England are back at Wembley for the final. It is packed to the rafters. National pride is at an all-time high. David Cameron and his ol’ chum, Donald Trump – extending his stay in the UK – are sitting in the stands alongside Vladimir Putin as they prepare to take on, er, Russia.
The penny drops.
VAR gifts Russia an early penalty saved by Jordan Pickford, only for it to be retaken and placed top-bins. Marcus Rashford equalises but it is disallowed because the referee spots a foul in the build-up from two minutes earlier. With time running out, Eric Dier takes a tumble in the box and the referee awards a penalty. Cameras pick him up saying: “Dele taught me that one.” He would go on to be known as 'Eric Diver' after the tournament.
Kane slots it away, but Igor Akinfeev protests that he isn't ready, and the officials order a retake, which is ballooned over. Russia win the World Cup, and immediately deny partaking in any sort of corruption and bribery during the tournament. Putin leaves the stadium flicking ‘V’ signs at the Wembley supporters.
Three years later, the English population is decimated by a widespread nerve agent attack. Russia is cleared of all wrongdoing on the account of insufficient evidence. There are no survivors.
So yeah, maybe we can let them have this one, eh? Enjoy the World Cup!
Пойдем, Англия!
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